I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
