I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
