Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
