Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
