She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
