You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
