Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
