There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
