i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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