he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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