i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
