i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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