I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
