Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I think my moral compass just broke
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