When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
