I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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