apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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