I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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