the condom got lost in my hair
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
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