I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
