I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
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