Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
