capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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