ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
