I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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