Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
