I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
