Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
