Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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