there's paper in my vomit.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
