i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
