I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
