I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
