i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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