Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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