My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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