omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
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