Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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