we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
