o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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