remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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