I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
