I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
