It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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