I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
