I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
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