I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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