I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
