so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
