Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
