i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
